By Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Are you a good lover? Sure, you say you are, but if I asked 3 of your ex’s, what would they say? I’ll bet they may have a different opinion. I’ve had many women tell me that they were really incredible only to find out later that they were duds. If you’d like to be just as good (bad) as these women, here are your keys:
1) Taking ex-lover’s opinions
Any guy that wants to play sheet-hockey with you is going to tell you how great you are. I’m sorry, but we guys lie to you not to hurt you, but to prevent you from being an even worse – or scarce – lover. We have enough to worry about with just getting good sex to add to it.
Here’s a bottom line you should adopt: don’t use the salesman’s opinion to judge the quality of the product. Of course we’re going to tell you that you’re awesome! We’re just glad we got some sex! Consider too that because so many women are “sex-challenged”, many men have never been with a good lover in the first place.
2) Assuming you’re good in bed
Every woman I know thinks she’s a great kisser and at least decent in bed. In fact in my experience, less than 10% are either. You don’t have to take my word for this however, according to my own research; most other men put the number at around the same place!
Assuming that you’re already skilled can actually prevent you from gaining the skills you really should have. Being “confident, but curious” will take you to that glorious 10% very quickly.
3) Not knowing your own sexuality
Many, many women don’t focus on their own sexuality and assume that a man will come along to teach them everything they should know. Don’t believe it. It is YOUR job to learn about your own sexuality so that you bring this to the table in a relationship. After all, if you don’t understand your own sexuality – what works for you, what doesn’t and what else you want to explore – how are you ever going to communicate this to your lover?
Some men may stay in a relationship with a lousy lover, but we constantly think about how it’d be with someone else. If you think that takes the pressure off of you fine, but don’t be surprised when your lover decides he want to taste a little of that other fruit.
So, you’re probably asking exactly how to learn about your own sexuality. The answer is simple: masturbation. This is the time you get to safely explore your own fantasies in private. Your mind is a creative, healing spring of energy and taking a little time for yourself is not only fun, it’s the key to really understanding your own needs – and getting comfortable with them! This can be a powerful source growth if you use it that way.
4) A lack of experience
If you’re saving yourself for marriage or for some knight in shining armor, just consider what you’re going to have to give when it or he finally arrives. I can’t tell you how many women just assume that everything will be incredible – and how many relationships break up because it’s not.
Not many western men these days want virgins. For those of us with some experience, we realize that this is just too much work! I don’t want to have to spend the next 5 years helping a woman just get in touch with her own sexual side – she should bring this to the relationship in the first place!
You’ve no doubt heard that sex “…isn’t the most important part of a relationship…” and while that may be true, it’s in the top 3! Why would you spend so much of your time working on becoming the woman of your man’s dreams, only to fail where it’s most important to him?
I’m not saying that you should go out and bang every guy you meet, but you should see every sexual relationship you are in as a chance to grow your own skills for that guy that finally does sweep you off your feet. Doesn’t he deserve this from you? (Answer: yes, he does!)
5) Reading books and articles written by women about what men want in bed
If I want to learn about car maintenance, I don’t usually go to a guy that sells camels and ask. I’ll go right to the mechanic. Women spend countless hours reading articles and books written by other women about how to satisfy men sexually. The trouble with this is that many of these women are just as inexperienced! Many men look at these articles too and most of us just roll our eyes.
6) Not communicating
If I or any man asks you what you like in bed, NEVER give the answer, “Oh, I like just about everything!” It’s a cop-out and we know it. More important if you DO give an answer like this, don’t be surprised if you come home one day and find your cousin, a horse, a trampoline and a clown in your living room ready for action.
Being with someone sexually is an opportunity to get your needs met – and to explore new ones. You can only do this by communicating honestly, openly and without embarrassment.
7) Not asking
Wouldn’t you love to hear your partner ask you, “Honey, is there anything you really want that you haven’t told me?” Guys do too! Very few of us are the insecure jackasses some make us out to be. If we know you want something, we’ll almost always find a way to give it to you.
When you ask for something and get it – even if it’s not exactly right – don’t complain. There are far better ways to improve things! That especially means right in the middle of sex.
Recommendations are taken far better than simply complaining about something. If you tell us what you want, we may still not exactly understand it from your perspective. Women are rather more complicated than men in this department. As I’ve already said, if we know you want something, we’ll almost always try to give it to you. If it’s not exactly what or how you like it, help us to understand it. You’ll be the benefactor!
On the other hand, if you simply complain, get used to the idea that you’re not going to get what you want – and it’ll be your own fault.
9) Lack of enthusiasm
If you think holding back is the way to get us to be more interested in you, let me set you straight on this: it won’t work. We’ll simply find someone that won’t hold back and leave you wondering what happened.
Your sexual enthusiasm also communicates your interest in us. That doesn’t mean you have to bounce off the walls, but at least be interested in sex and want to grow with us. We’ll return the favor in ways you can’t imagine.
10) Being self-conscious
I know, I know, you’re worried about the lighting, mood and every other little issue:
“Does my hair look good?”
“Am I making enough noise?”
“Am I making too much noise?”
“Does this pillow make my ass look big?”
Honey, you look great – really. We aren’t concerned with all of this detail. We are focused on the sex itself – with you; not whether or not you have cellulite. In fact, we just don’t give a damn! Stay with us in the moment and let’s have fun together. This isn’t an anatomy lesson and you’re not competing with the girls in the magazine under our bed – really!
I hope that list has helped you sort out what you can do to be a lousy lover. Now, simply turn this around, and become a great one – both you AND your partner deserve it!
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
About The Author
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.
Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to http://beingaman.com.