By Ivan Greindl
(Because violence or infidelity are not the only ones…)
1. « Making a mountain out of a molehill »
Do you want to live in peace with your beloved? Then, first, control yourself. Loosing your temper, showing constant anger, or shouting for pointless reasons is obviously very harmful. Try to throw back quarrelsome, authoritarian attitudes: you can contain your reactions: stop being so sensible (or hypersensitive, if you prefer) at the slightest contrariety. In particular, distrust your interpretations : immediately assigning a negative meaning to a sentence, a gesture which you didn’t understand well, leads to misunderstandings - which kills off your agreement. Means # 1 to break your love relationship: aggressiveness and verbal violence.
2. « Unjustified attacks of jealousy »
Is your wife always attracting men’s attention? Faint flattering whisperings? Admiring, if not always discreet, comments? Feel flattered ! Keep smiling ! It is a tribute to you, one more proof of your good taste, of the good choice you have made. And, especially don’t hold it against her. Do not blame her for a ‘provocative’ attitude: charm and beauty reveal themselves even in the most modest women’s behavior. As for you, Lady, if ‘he’ unconsciously turns his gaze to a passing young lady, do not take this gesture of innocent admiration as a harbinger of adultery! Do not ask him : '- Do you want her photo?? ’ He wouldn’t understand you or would find you unfair. Means # 2 to kill your love relationship: unmotivated jealousy.
3. « Ignoring the omnipresent dangers of routine »
Thanks to your steady efforts, you have seduced your beloved, you have ‘conquered’ him/her. One day, you decided to join your fates. Marvelous! At least, at the beginning … Why thus would you take the risk of loosening the pressure? Of stopping your efforts? They are the key to your happiness! Never forget to continue: just as all you wish to see going on long enough (your house, your garden, your car) -, you’ll have to take care of your love. Think, each of you, of making small unforeseen and frequent pleasures to your beloved, to have some attentions for them, to express your tenderness, to break the daily rut by a touch of excitement. Among others, in your moments of intimacy. Means # 3 to certainly break your couple’s harmony: to let yourselves being trapped by routine !
4. « Giving top priority to your work, over your couple and/or your family »
This error is more usually a men’s one, -- and often unintentional. A way to put this problem right is to share activities and fields of interest with your beloved and both of you, with your children. Another additional way is to fix appointments with your partner and to respect them. This way, you demonstrate the importance and the place you grant him/her in your life. According to your profession, customers, patients, students, shareholders or seniors colleagues do not always have to pass before your couple ! In order to live a long-lasting relationship, you have to remain available for your couple. To work for living? Well, yes: one too often needs to. But, to live for working work? NO : please, live to love, to bring moments of happiness to your beloved ones, to create! Means # 4 to destroy your life as a couple: to forget your true priorities.
5. « Letting dialogue fade, losing true communication »
Many couples share the same bed, certain meals, TV programs; they sometimes go out together. But, they’re not always lucky enough to share a purpose, fields of interest or higher values. Therefore, each of them pursues their own life, their own personal fate, only attentive to their own concerns, preoccupations or interests. By speaking less and less together, they stop sharing ; there are no more exchanges ; their roads, formerly convergent or parallel, eventually move apart. Without any more true communication, their couple imperceptibly loses any real contact. Means # 5 to disintegrate a couple: to imitate these old pairs whom you sometimes see at restaurants: they’re facing each other, indifferent one to another; they don’t look at each other anymore, don’t speak to each other anymore. (What could they say?) How cruel and distressing!
6. « To let yourself go to make comparisons… »
Obviously, your ‘ex’ (or someone among your acquaintances) said or did certain things better; was more this, less that: « (s)he, ‘at least’ … » Who is perfect on Earth? If you sometimes make a comparison, then only make positive ones. Otherwise keep for yourself your disappointed, bitter or disenchanted reflections. Obviously, we agree, you and me: to gather in the same person the tenderness and the kindness of your N°1; the sensuality of your N°2; the 'class' of N° 3; the cheerfulness and practical intelligence of an office colleague, - would certainly be ideal : a truly delicious miracle. Well! In fact, you can work this miracle, - by setting the example! You particularly appreciated these qualities in the past? Maybe during a previous relationship? By showing them yourself, you’ll fast discover how contagious they are: “Give and thou will receive!” Take advantage of it to explain to your beloved what would please you; express your expectations, without vain shyness; speak to them about your desires. Keep in mind that you chose your partner; the qualities they’re missing are probably compensated by others. Your tenderness, your encouragements, your frequent concern to value him / her, will round angles, making these comparisons soon become useless. Means # 6 to make ‘creak the springs’ of your relationship: not being able to refrain from comparing (aloud).
7. « Calling your children to witness »
All couples sometimes face difficult moments, arguing occasionally, exchanging reproaches, - in all or in part, justified. These are adults' concerns ! Involving your children, even unintentionally, hurts them. Besides, this is the easy way to raise, bit by bit, a wall of incomprehension, of “un-love” and soon, of hatred: between the partners and later between them (or one of them) and their children. You certainly feel this is not a good way to manage a healthy couple’s relationship. Means # 7 to break up your couple: directly or indirectly blackening the image of the other parent in the eyes of your children. Witnesses of situations or facts, the implications, the origin or the motive of which they cannot understand, how could they judge them clearly?
8. « A quite inopportune haste »
If you have acknowledged the happiness to live a passionate relationship (at least at the beginning…), you will remember these delicious moments during which you were both active, and which both of you loved to prolong. Alas, time passes; concerns accumulate; your children, your work, your various responsibilities ‘devour’ every minute of your time. Soon, these embraces which, since always, have plunged those who love each other in shared delights, are abbreviated and then become less frequent. It even happens to these lovers, to forget to take time for the ‘after’ tenderness-cuddle ! They don’t take time anymore to give each other some compliments, some words of love; to exchange small positive messages in order to remind themselves how much they love each other, how much they value their relationship, how much they appreciate each other’s presence. Means # 8 to slide on the slippery slope of a break-up: « Hurry ! » Fulfilling embraces are an essential food for your tenderness. And - you know it - to make love the nice way, it’s necessary to take plenty of time. To hurry at these moments is hurrying the outbreak of tensions. 9. « Being too often untidy-looking »
Hygiene and body care dashed off, a constant disorder, indifferent dress sense, excess weight perfectly disdained …: there are so many ways of letting your partner guess that you hardly care to please them. Heavy error: carelessness marks a lack of consideration to your better half, and this can hurt them deeply. Respecting oneself and the Other also involves slight concessions connected to one’s own look: the image which one gives of oneself has to be positive. This quality not only has to be considered a female one. Men often lose sight that women too like to be at the arm or in the company of a partner of whom they feel legitimately proud. Means # 9 for enticing your partner to imperceptibly begin to “look around”, - becoming more vulnerable to temptation: making no effort anymore to look neat for them. To have got married and settled down doesn’t guarantee fidelity for life; to believe it would be giving evidence of naivety.
10. « Show yourself possessive »
Living as a couple can’t be a chain. You want to continue to feel well together? For a long time? Well, your beloved is not a child anymore: give them a free rein, rely on them ! Each partner in a relationship has to preserve at least a part of their personal life, of their opinions, of their tastes. Always imposing on your partner your own way of life is a constraint which is not acceptable anymore in our time. Living together never means surrendering one’s own personality; having to comply in all with the desires and requirements of the other is, on the contrary, a very effective way to awaken feelings of rebellion. This leads one to become secretive, it leads to lies and unfaithfulness. Important decisions imperatively have to be taken together. (In the West at least, we can take this luck for – theoretically - granted.) To live a harmonious relationship naturally involves common activities and relations, sharing a social life, solidarity in the face of tasks and responsibilities, an ideal, a fulfilling tenderness, etc. From that point to never losing sight of your better half, to keeping a constant watch on them - even if it is sometimes unconscious -, there is a big step. It is essential not to cross that line. Means # 10 to ruin your relationship: completely restrain her / his independence, keep her / him “under your heel”. Your better half is a whole human person. As such, (s)he appreciates to be with you, - not to you. (At least, in current daily life.)
You can take my word for it : implementing these suggestions will lead your couple towards harmony and preserve it from a lot of nuisance.
About The Author
Ivan Greindl is the author of the well-known method :
« How to Boooost Your Love Life - 60 Simple Ways for Results in 8 Days »
For any information (in English or French), please visit:
(c) 2005 by Ivan P. Greindl