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By Terry Ross
In order to be able to save a marriage you must want to and be
committed to saving it. It’s a bit like most things, if you
take a half hearted, non-committal approach then the
likelihood
is that you’ve already become resigned to failure, you won’t
put
the effort in and you won’t be able to save the marriage.
So rule number one when looking to save a marriage, be sure
that it is what you want and that you are 100% committed to
getting a positive result.
It does surprise me the number of marriages that fail due to
an
apparent lack of effort and yet, once the divorce has gone
through and the need arises to start all over again people
will
go that extra mile to find another partner. Humans are
generally
gregarious creatures, they don’t normally like to be on their
own so why then, if people are prepared to put the effort into
dating don’t they apply the same level of effort to their
marriage? A difficult one to answer I know but it has to be
said that if we all spent just 25% of the time on our marriage
compared to the time we spent finding our spouses in the first
place a lot more marriages could be saved. This theory just
compounds rule number one, it takes time and effort to save a
marriage.
In direct contrast to popular belief it isn’t men who seek
divorce it is more often the women. That is not to say the
blame should be laid at the women’s door because they often
seek divorce as a result of their husbands infidelity, or
other
behaviours that are almost impossible to live with such as
physical, alcohol or substance abuse. In order to save such
marriages, and not all can be saved, you have to tackle the
route cause of the problem, the major contributing factor to
why the marriage is failing. There is no point in trying to
save a marriage by focusing on what your partner does when he
is drunk for example it’s just as a result of the real cause,
the alcohol itself. To save the marriage you have to sort the
drinking which is the root of the problem and not focus too
heavily on what happens as a result of the drink.
If you want to learn more about how to tackle alcohol or
substance abuse go to: health.org or alcoholism.about.com/ or
for more advice on how to break any habit go to:
commonmarriageproblems.marriagehealth.com/Break_any_Habit.html
When looking to save a marriage you have to realise that no
matter what I say, how many books you read, how many forums
you
join or whatever form of marriage counselling you choose there
is only one person that has the power to save your marriage
and
that one person is YOU.
Obviously you can’t control your partner and you don’t always
have the ability change their behaviour but you do have
control
over how you choose to respond. If you think about the theory
that children from abusive families become abusers themselves
then it is easier to understand that the way you react to your
partner will have a direct impact on your relationship and how
you respond to each other. If you continually yell at your
children or continually hit your dog more often than not they
will just become immune, learn to accept it and still do what
they want anyway. The same in a marriage, if your first
response is attack then that forms the basis of a continuing
process that can spiral out of control.
If your partner is out to rile you but they don’t get the
reaction they are expecting then the odds are they will give
up
or a least calm down a lot quicker. If you choose to discuss
and
issue on the back of a row what are the odds that you will
sort
the issue out? Next to none, when tempers are running high it
is far more difficult to see someone else’s point of view with
each partner seeing who can shout the loudest in order to be
heard. The net result is to achieve a step backwards, with
each
partner even more frustrated, than a step forwards. That leads
us to another golden rule that needs to be applied if you want
to save a marriage: if you have an issue you want to resolve,
only discuss it when you both have time, and are in calm,
receptive moods and never try and throw something into the pot
on the back of an argument.
And at the end of the day you even have the power to control
an
argument. Your spouse needs you to be involved, if you choose
not to be, instead opting to talk to them once they have
calmed
down, what are the chances of an argument unless they decide
to
argue with themselves!!
About The Author: For more advice on how to save a marriage
visit my websites:
www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com/Save_your_Marri
age.html
www.commonmarriageproblems.marriagehealth.com/Save_Your
_Marriage.html
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