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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and
process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs
that underlie most addictions:
1. I can’t handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat
me.
Part 2 was about the first of these beliefs – learning how to
handle pain. Part 3 addressed the second and third beliefs –
“I
am unworthy and unlovable” and “Others are my source of love.”
This section, Part 4, explores the fourth belief, “I can have
control over how others feel about me and treat me.”
If I had to choose one false belief that causes the most pain
for most people, it would be the belief that we can control
how
important people in our lives feel, think and behave.
In my work with individuals and couples dealing with addictive
behavior, I encounter this belief and the many ramifications
of
it over and over. It seems very difficult for most people to
accept the truth about their lack of control over others. The
pain, frustration, loneliness and aloneness that result from
not accepting your lack of control may be the underlying cause
of your addictions.
Take a moment right now to reflect about what you think and do
that is a direct result of this belief.
• Do you judge/shame yourself to try to get yourself to act
“right” so that others will like you? If you do, you are
operating from the false belief that you can control how
others
feel about you by how you act. You are also operating from the
false belief that self-judgment will work to control your own
behavior. Judging and shaming yourself can lead to addictive
behavior to avoid the resulting pain.
• Do you act “loving” to others with the hope that others will
act loving to you? If you do, you are operating from the false
belief that your behavior controls others’ behavior. It is
wonderful to be loving to others because you feel good when
you
are loving, but when you have an agenda attached of being
loved
back, then your “loving” is manipulative – you are giving to
get. The hurt you feel when others don’t love you back can
lead
to addictive behavior.
• Do you get angry, judgmental and critical of others? If you
do, then you are operating from the false belief that anger
and
judgment will have control over how others feel about you and
treat you. You can certainly intimidate others into complying
with your demands as long as they are willing to do so, but
you
cannot control how they feel about you. And they will comply
only as long as they do. At some point they might leave, so
ultimately you have no control over them. Your resulting
stress
may lead to addictive behavior.
• Do you give yourself up, going along with what another wants
of you, such as making love when you don’t want to, or
spending
time in ways that you don’t want to? If you do, then you are
operating from the false belief that giving yourself up will
have control over how another feels about you and treats you.
A
loss of a sense of self can lead to addictive behavior.
• Do you withdraw from another or resist another’s requests?
If
you do, you are operating from the false belief that you can
change/control another’s behavior toward you by punishing them
through withholding love. The deadness of withdrawal can lead
to addictive behavior.
In important relationships, most people do some or all of the
above behaviors, resulting from the false belief that you can
control how others feel, think and act.
If you really accepted the truth of your lack of control over
others, what would you do differently? If you deeply, totally,
completely accepted the truth of your lack of control over
others feelings and behavior, you would be left with what you
CAN control – yourself.
I have seen over and over that people finally take loving care
of themselves only when they fully accept the truth of their
lack of control over others. It is truly amazing the rapid
progress the people I work with make when they finally accept
this truth.
Shifting out of this one false belief and into the truth will
go a long way toward healing your addictions.
About The Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You” and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE
Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her
at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions.
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